Husband and Wife Jokes (Mostly)

[Bernie]

Just had a friend e-mail these jokes to me so sit back and laugh. Okay, so two are not a husband and wife joke :icon_biggrin:

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Nano]

Kudos to the last one.

Here's one told in a TV show in my country, around 2 AM:

A guy enters a pet shop looking for some animal to have at home. He wants something a bit unusual, not a cat or a dog. The cashier brings a frog from the back.
"I don't know if I want a frog" the guy says.
"This is not a common frog. We call them 'sucking frogs'".
"Huh? And what do they do?"
"Well... They basically suck. They're known as the best suckers in the world, if you know what I mean..." The cashier is smiling.
"Oh! I see..."
"They're just a dollar each".
"OK".
The guy leaves with the "sucking frog" in the pocket of his jacket. His wife greets him at home:
"How was your day, darling? Anything unusual?"
"Hmmm... No... Just a boring day as always".
They eat dinner and watch some TV. Then the wife leaves the couch and starts for the bedroom:
"Are you coming, dear?"
"Mmmm... I'll keep watching for a while. Don't wait for me".
The man listens to his wife brushing her teeth, undressing, finally collapsing onto bed. Then he gets up without a noise and looks for his jacket.
Some hours later, the wife is awaken by some loud noises. One look and she knows her husband never touched the bed. A bit dizzy, she gets up slowly and goes to the living room. It's empty. The noises come from the kitchen.
When she opens the door, the frog is sitting on the kitchen's table. The husband is taking out all kind of pots and kitchenware. He looks at his wife, bewildered, and says:
"If I can teach the frog to cook, you're fired!"

[ol'skinflint]

Just had a friend e-mail these jokes to me so sit back and laugh. Okay, so two are not a husband and wife joke :icon_biggrin:

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Bernie: those are delightfully ill. A friend of mine emailed me a set of ethnic jokes that put me on the floor everytime I read them, if I can figure out how to forward them to you I will.