When you were coming out....

[nrgbeat]

Here's a question to the gay guys on the board:

When you were first coming out into the gay community, did you find it to be warm and supportive or cold and cliquey?



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: nrgbeat on 2002-08-07 06:24 ]</font>

[Graham_Start]

Colder than liquid air, and more clique-y than junior high.

[NickNack]

I was fortunate enough to meet a 'let's just hang out' friend after trying to fit in on my own in the beginning. I have to agree with Graham in that, until people got to know me, I found it cold, clique-ish, along with bigoted and racist. You know, just like the straight world.

[guille]

I had to be 23 years old when I ventured to go to my first gay bar in Lima. I was so freakin' scared, by then gays were already associated with AIDS and perversion, and I got that image in my mind. That was 1988. When I moved to California I was kind of confussed about belonging to one "community". I am gay and Latino so to me the prejudice and coldness were more obvious. I guess I was being pushed to "go where I belong", which are gay latino bars. My first time in a gay bar in California the barman assumed that I didn't speak English so he handed me this flyer in Spanish about a local latino bar, without saying a word.
Have a Disco Life.

[markydefad]

I moved to San Francisco from Wisconsin after I graduated college, supposedly to be free to "come out"--far away from anyone I knew. There was a lot of repression and guilt back there, and I wanted to start over "where NOBODY knows your name". Well almost "nobody"; I moved to SF on January 3, 1975 with 3 friends (2 girls, "my hags", & 1 older guy who'd previously lived in New York for a year or so). We stayed for a few days with a former college friend who was attending ACT, then found our own place. We lived together til September-then we all went our separate ways.

So, moving halfway across the country to a cosmopolitan city from upper midwest hick country was as big a shock as dealing with the newfound openly gay community. I'd say just adjusting to "city Life" was the bigger challenge for me. Did I feel like an outsider??? Absolutely, but not just because I was gay. Actually, the first gays I met in SF were nice to me, BUT it was hard to make great friends cause there was so much temptation everywhere. "So many men, so little time". I ultimately made friends with some of the folks I "tricked" with. But, it didn't happen overnight. There were holidays where I had nowhere to go. :sad: Awwww. Some are still friends to this day; a large number are deceased. SF was a "lethal city" to live in at that time, we now know.

Were there cliques and snotty people? Absolutely--especially the Pacific Heights "Lion Pub" crowd so acidly satirized by Armistead Maupin in "Tales Of The City". I never fit in there, believe me.



_________________
Make My Feet Wanna Dance!

Markydefad

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: markydefad on 2002-08-07 01:07 ]</font>

[nrgbeat]

It's interesting that a lot of folks had similar experiences. I have found the community rather cold and aloof myself and I never really understood why.

Okay Keefe, let's hear your story.

[nrgbeat]

Marky, I give you credit for having the balls to move away from rural Wisconsin.

Imagine what you would have become if you stayed there.

[Jeff H]

Interesting that this topic should arise here, since disco music was a huge part of my coming out experience.

I went into a gay bar for the very first time in the summer of 1978 and remember very clearly that "With Your Love" by Donna Summer was playing. The next bar I was able to get into (I was only 19 at the time) and started going to regularly had a medium-sized dance floor that was always packed, and soon after that I got a membership at an after-hours club that had one of those lighted checkerboard-type dance floors like in Saturday Night Fever where you could dance 'til 7 in the morning.

Anyway, I hate to be the (so far) lone voice of dissent here, but coming out for me was like a great, wild adventure. Sure, I was scared--I didn't even tell people my real name at first--but back then, it seemed like a big deal for a shy kid from the suburbs to get inside a gay disco in downtown Pittsburgh. Whoop-de-doo!

The doormen either didn't notice or didn't care that my ID was fake (the paper driver's licenses we used then were easy to doctor!) and I didn't seem to have any trouble meeting people--though I guess it's more accurate that they introduced themselves to me. I'm not sure what changed about the shy, unathletic kid I had been in high school, but I was lucky enough to be pretty popular when I came out--and I learned to take advantage of it.

So for me, coming out was an exciting chapter of my life--one that had a disco soundtrack!

[markydefad]

Jeff, my "coming out" had a Disco soundtrack, also; however, my tunes were from a few years before yours.

My first gay bar was Buzzby's on Polk Street. It took about 2 weeks of living in SF for Bob (my roommate) and I to have "the talk" and both admit to each other that we were "gay" (we were walking around the neighborhood, as I remember) and I think that was when Bob steered me into Buzzby's for the first time. It was THE hot spot at the beginning of 1975. I thought where did they get all this "gay" music???!!!! I'd never heard this stuff before back in Wisconsin. I did know Gloria Gaynor's "Never Can Say Goodbye"--BUT I thought, at first, that this was a secret gay music--only played in gay bars.

"I'll Be Holding On" - Al Downing
"Dreamworld" - Don Downing
"Hi-Jack"- Herbie Mann
"Got To Get You Back" - Sons Of Robin Stone
"Where The Happy People Go" - Trammps
"Save Me"- Silver Convention
"Bad Luck"- Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes
"Doctor's Orders" - Carol Douglas
"Get Dancin'" - Disco Tex & the Sex-O-Lettes
"Swearin' To God" - Frankie Valli

These songs remind me of my first visits to Buzzbys. Later came KC & The Sunshine Band--that was my the first summer in SF. Great memories!!!!

Sorry to go on. I'm getting all nostalgic.

"PRESERVE YOUR MEMORIES. THEY'RE ALL THAT'S LEFT YOU" - Paul Simon

[keefelc]

On 2002-08-07 06:28, nrgbeat wrote:
It's interesting that a lot of folks had similar experiences. I have found the community rather cold and aloof myself and I never really understood why.

Okay Keefe, let's hear your story.

Not much for me to say, Bob. I was lucky that I grew up in Northern California and I had gay friends that were very supportive. In fact, when I moved back to SF back in my early 20s, I already had several gay friends and relatives (!) living up here that took me under their protective wings. I'll always be grateful to them.

[born2disco]

When i first started going to gay bars I found it cliquey and cold.... but now I realise that was me! These days my attitude is completely different, I'm more comfortable with myself and find that by just smiling, being friendly and warm to people (with a tinge of attitude for good measure of course), I meet a lot of fantastic people. It's all about the energy you give off to people.

I'm also very selective about what kind of gay venues I will go to now too. I tend to give the twinky bars a miss and prefer to hang out with an older (30+) crowd who are more interesting, more attractive and who are into *quality* partying and house music! I don't go out as often, but party a lot harder at the places i really like and make the most of it. I prefer gay clubs which have a bit of a straight crowd mixed in. It's more interesting that way.

[dancer5612004]

BUZZBY'S was definitely one of my first experiances, as a SF visitor, but it was one I kept going back to many times. At the time, I was a working DJ in a smaller town called Fresno, and I would often go to SF gramaphone on Polk st for 12"/albums. BUZZBY'S was actually introduced to me from a mail club friend, and when we went in early in evening, they were playing SUN GODDESS by Ramsey Lewis. It was great. There are many songs I remember at BUZZBY'S at different times. I liked going there early in the afternoon, because the music was blaring, and my friends and I had the dance floor to ourselves. Even though it was pre-recorded in the early afternoon, they played the action packed songs still.
T-CONNECTION "Do What You Wanna Do", SHALIMAR "Uptown Festival", STARGARD "Which Way Is Up?", but the early evenings and late nights were something else! If I remember correctly they had a steel chrome dance floor covered with sawdust to make it seem slick. I liked the fantastic DJ booth on the top corner, with great red neon lighting around it. I liked the dark black cruisy areas across from the half circle bar, and I liked the steel chrome see thru barrier between the bar area, and the dance floor. Other songs I remember here are: PATRICK JUVET "I Love America", CANDI STATON "Victim", TEENA GARDNER "Work That Body".

[remicks]

Originally Posted by dancer5612004

BUZZBY'S was definitely one of my first experiances, as a SF visitor, but it was one I kept going back to many times. At the time, I was a working DJ in a smaller town called Fresno, and I would often go to SF gramaphone on Polk st for 12"/albums. BUZZBY'S was actually introduced to me from a mail club friend, and when we went in early in evening, they were playing SUN GODDESS by Ramsey Lewis. It was great. There are many songs I remember at BUZZBY'S at different times. I liked going there early in the afternoon, because the music was blaring, and my friends and I had the dance floor to ourselves. Even though it was pre-recorded in the early afternoon, they played the action packed songs still.
T-CONNECTION "Do What You Wanna Do", SHALIMAR "Uptown Festival", STARGARD "Which Way Is Up?", but the early evenings and late nights were something else! If I remember correctly they had a steel chrome dance floor covered with sawdust to make it seem slick. I liked the fantastic DJ booth on the top corner, with great red neon lighting around it. I liked the dark black cruisy areas across from the half circle bar, and I liked the steel chrome see thru barrier between the bar area, and the dance floor. Other songs I remember here are: PATRICK JUVET "I Love America", CANDI STATON "Victim", TEENA GARDNER "Work That Body".

I also have a huge soft spot for BUZZBY'S .Thanks for redescribing its interior , triggers little nuances . Do you recall at first the back dance area was not partitioned off by that chrome/glass barrier. That sort of ruined it for me , made the dance area too isolated and too confined . ..and interrupted the sound system . I had liked its original format and the flirting that took place between the "bar" crowd glued to their stools in the front and the dance crowd hooping it up in the back. Sometimes the barhop (was he on roller skates??) would come up to you with a drink on his tray courtesy of a "gentleman in the front" !!


I'm most interested that you DJd in Fresno , dancer ! Where ???

When I was home for the summers in Bakersfield my friend Jessie (my errant parole officer bud ) and I typically went down to LA to spend a club destined Saturday night. Because Jess was fairly well known in town and couldn't risk being spotted by one of his parolees .... that and because he was married , there was no way he would go out anywhere in Bakersfield . LA is where we wanted to be anyway . But one time just to mix it up , we went north instead to Fresno. I was surprised by the size if the club we went to and how well attended it was. We had a good time there . But I for the life of me can't remember its name and have always wondered since ... ???

This would have been in '76 .....The word "CIRCLES " comes to mind or something misleadingly country sounding??? but that could be way off ...


*****

[STEPHEN L FREEMAN]

Summer of 1976 was my first time in a gay bar. The summer between my Junior & Senior years at High School. Was it clique-ish? Of course! But I had friends in every clique in my High School. So, meeting new people wasn't hard for me in bars, either. And people weren't really "cold" once you talked to them. It was, after all, 1976. So being Gay came with a whole bucket of fears and walls to put up. I dodged my share of flying beer-bottles, from passing cars, back in the day... But in-the-bar, we were our own community. A full Cast of Characters.

I'd made friends with my hairdresser (I know... I know... How very cliche'!) and he introduced me to his friends. They worked at a Gay Bar, about 5 towns away. (The Comeback, in Piermont, NY) But we all lived in the same town, Spring Valley, NY. About 15 minutes north of Manhattan. I was barely 17, thin, blonde & blue-eyed, with a FIERCE Farrah-do, and ready to hop on every hot Daddy that came along! (Yeah... I made friends easily.) And that group of guys took me everywhere, with them. We were a Clique, too, I guess. But we were inseperable. They threw me, head-first, into (a very secretive, but large) Suburban NY, Gay Nightlife. And introduced me (with them all watching out for me, like Mother-Hens) to everything downtown Manhattan had to offer.

The first record I heard, playing in The Comeback when I walked in, was Roberta Kelly's "Trouble Maker", on the jukebox. And the top & bottom corner records of the jukebox (when everyone would stay on the floor, wait the record to flip over, then start dancing again...) were Penny McLean's "Lady Bump" (pt 1 & 2) and Jesse Green's "Nice And Slow" (long & short versions). (Funny, that I can't remember if I fed the dog this morning. But I'll never forget about that jukebox.)

The first record I ever slow-danced with a Man to, was Candi Staton's "Young Hearts Run Free", on that same jukebox, later that summer. With 'Jairo Ruiz'. <deeeeep sigh> My first 'real' boyfriend. (I'd messed around with guys in JR High, & High School, but nothing serious.) He was 22 or 23, from a wealthy family in Columbia, going to college in New Jersey. And looked like a Disco version of Omar Sharrif. My pals nick-named me "Sister Coffee-Bean". (Each of us was "Sister"-something, or other.)

Everyone believed I was 19, so... By the fall I was a waiter at The Comeback. That Autumn, the owners built the Disco, downstairs. (A basement Disco! If you threw your hands in the air, you could get whacked by a copter-light!) Complete with a 'Saturday Night Fever', chaser-box-light dancefloor! We'd head to Ice Palace 57 at least 3 times a month. And I'd stand next to the DJ booth and study Roy Thode's every move, like a book! So, with a lot of flirting (and a pinch of whining), I was spinning records at The Comeback by December of '76. Sometimes we'd go a couple towns north to "The Candlelight" in Nyack. The competition! ooooohhhh... A whole different set of cliques there, too. But it wasn't a problem 'cause I was part of, one of the "in-crowds". After all, I was a DJ! I got to know the staff and head-DJ (my dear, sweet, hysterical, talented Eddie Ruggiano), and started spinning at The Candlelight about a year later.

When I came out, the bars were just as clique-ish, or stand-off-ish, as they may be today. But the world outside was a very dangerous place for us queers. So, even if you hung with a different crowd, pretty-much everyone would've "been there", for anyone else. I know it all seems so much better in the good-old-days, but truthfully, all of us... Our whole little self-contained community, squished into those two little bars, were really there for eachother. No matter how much silly drama played-out, over the years.

I got to go back, after 25 years, last November. The Comeback is now a 7-11, but The Candlelight is still a Disco. I walked in, and it was as if time had stood-still. The current bartender was one of the guys from my "clique".

In Yonkers: The Playroom, The Sting
In Nyack: The Comeback, The Candlelight, , The Porthole and Honey's (with the BIGGEST mirror-ball I've ever seen!)
New Jersey: The Bell, Feathers

These were my coming-out haunts. Anyone else left from there?

[dancer5612004]

Originally Posted by remicks

I'm most interested that you DJd in Fresno , dancer ! Where ???


This would have been in '76 .....The word "CIRCLES " comes to mind or something misleadingly country sounding??? but that could be way off ...


*****

It was THE CIRCLE, and I DJd there back then, but I DJd alot of Fresno clubs at the time except THE SHOWBIZ. I started out at THE HANGOUT, played at THE CIRCLE, with saturday night fever light up floor, and then played a gay country bar called THE RED LANTERN which allowed me to play my disco and very early new wave format. After that I played for a Fresno bathouse called THE STEAMWORKS, which was awesome because of it's huge interior and silver roof with beams. The music there just bounced off of everything in the acoustics. That was my NEW WAVE phase to say the least, and Madonna had just hit the scene.
Loved every minute of it. THE CIRCLE, by the way, is suffering from building damages from a small fire, but its under repair to reopen as another gay club, I think.
On a side note, even throughout this event, I traveled alot SF/LA, and had a wonderful experiance in Denver when I was involved with the Fresno Gay Imperial Court, and was dubbed a DUKE. The bunch of us were invited to attend "Leather and Pearls" Coronation in Denver, about 1979, and they took us on a grand tour of Denver gay disco night life. That was awesome. I heard songs like, "Got A Feeling" by Two Tons O Fun, and "Sweet Sensation" by Stephanie Mills, that I will never forget. This one leather bar was like something out of an Al Pacino movie called Cruisin. Packed with leathermen, and it was dark and redish. Just gives me chills just thinkin about it. If I had lived there, I would have gone to this bar all the time! I think they called it Triangle something, because of its building location.